Thursday, May 1, 2008

Tashan : the Torture with a capital T


TASHAN

Tashan is a tribute to the 1970s, the time when tinsel town was ruled by Ajit, Pran, MN Nambiar, Jos Prakash and other cult villains who had alligators for company and flaunted the quintessential circuit board with techni- color wires which were used to torture the hero, his girl friend and (how can I forget) the hero’s all suffering Maaa.

Tashan would have been a blockbuster if released in the 1970s but in this globalized era (sorry, my company pays me for using globalization in every sentence) where there is a free flow of culture and ideas, it’s anachronistic. How can one tolerate a movie in which the villain actually killed the heroine’s dad (dad is lovingly called Tiger by everyone!!!) and she also happens to be the childhood sweetheart of her abductor who apparently acts gay (meaning uninterested in girls) since he is lost in those childhood memories. WTF?

The film revolves around the style of the four characters: a sleek suave Saif Ali Khan, a “gavaar” Akshay Kumar, Anil Kapoor a don whose costumes are inspired by the Bappi Lahiri Evergreen Collection and Kareena - a Bharatiya Naari turned super sexy damsel.

The story is non existent and the screenplay is insane. The director Vijay Acharya suffers from Tarrentinomania which in medical terms means “creative constipation caused due to excessive watching of Queinten Tarrantino movies”. Kareene Kapoor uses a sword like Uma Thurman in KILL BILL and Akshay Kumar kills hundreds of Kung fu masters in a single blow in what can be called the worst tribute to Queintin Tarrantino

The top three scenes in the movie (in no particular order). Trust me; I had a tough time making the decision.

  1. The grand finale is in some arbit den in rugged Uttar Pradesh . Akshay Kumar is wired to the circuit board, Saif comes and starts killing the villains almost starting a mutiny of sorts. But, Anil Kappor being the dangerous villain he is, captures Akhay and Kareena again and is all set to blow their as*es off and bingo comes Saif Ali Khan in a Yamaha speed boat. Vroooooooom….. Speed boat, in a barren land??[Pardonable, since the director had written the script (if there was any) for Dhoom1 and Dhoom2]
  2. Kareena Kapoor comes to Haridwar to deposit sweet papa Tiger’s ashes in the holy Ganges wearing a Balaji Television inspired white salwar kameez. She sees the villains searching for her and instantly runs for shelter after covering her face with her shawl just like a typical Bharatiya Naari in distress. In the next scene, we see her in the river wearing a skin tight anorexic pair of jeans. I’m speechless!!!
  3. The trio of Akhay, Saif and Kareena are in quest of the 25 crores which has been carefully kept in Rajasthan, Kerala by maam Kareena itself. They travel through the length and breadth of the country, driving a TATA lorry thought the dusty highways of Rajasthan, a MAHINDRA voyager and finally in a Kerala houseboat…..and the last briefcase containing the money is delivered by a couple of Kathakali dancers….This is what we call Incredible India!

Anil Kapoor is one actor whom I respect from the bottom of my heart but this dreadful don character almost made me puke. Anil Kapoor’s dress sense is more pathetic that Vidya Balan’s costumes in Hey Baby…U can imagine!!!! Giving him serious competition are his sidekicks who wear identical lungis, goggles, silver chains and stupid shirts and mouth illogical sentences like “He is like Geoorge Bhuush”….Even stupid George Bush would sue them.

And yes…..about the oomph factor; I almost forgot. Kareena does a Bo Derek, comes out of the water in a bikini for a total time period of 5 seconds desperately trying to be hot but I definitely feel that the Serena Williams look-alikes in the “Chaliya Chaliya” song were far sexier than Bebo.

I would suggest that everyone download this movie from any Torrents site, fast forward to about 50 minutes, see Bebo flaunting her figure in her bikini and immediately Delete, no Shift Delete this piece of trash.

Hindi movies always puzzle me: I thought that Dhoom would be the height of insanity, but then came Race and now I have been served Tashan. Poor me


A disillusioned critic

Sabari

3 comments:

Fenrisar said...

See Please Here

the wanderer said...

saw tashan...ur review's on a lighter side i guez..d movie deserves more..but i cant help myself frm responding to d dumbfuck director who in an interview claimed that he's successfully executed a non-linear narrative in tashan...

n all i got to tell him is tis "motherfucker.. go watch pulpfiction again with 'hindi' subtitles..."

Abhilash said...

entammoo.. dey, ninne venam aadyam thallaan..nee alllathe aarelum ee chavarinu review ezhuthuo?

with the pathetic fall of the 'standard' of hindi movies, i think not many movies deserve to be reviewed. I think the directors in hindi should copy some foreign language movie directly instead of adding something "there own" to it :D it would be far better to watch.

And well, as you watch almost all new released ones, do make a post/email when u get to see a good one. :)